What is wrong with some guys?!

I really need to vent, I tried to swallow what happens but.. it just.. burns inside of me like a fire.. and keeps hurting me even more. Why do some men are just pigs? I Would love to just tell you his name, and scream blue murder. But I can't, because I don't want to be a bitch...

I think I need to explain myself, my anger and my frustration. To do this, I will start at the beginning. Last year I met a guy, fell hard for him and I fell fast, in a way I never thought it would be possible. He said all the right things, and pushed all the right buttons. I don't need to mention that the sex was awesome. But.. there is always a but, you know that .. it as too good to be true. He was too perfect.. while the time passed by, he had more lat RL meetings, less time online... but when he was there... he was amazing and sweet and.. perfect again.

We became not just lovers but friends.. it felt like a real partnership. And he asked me for.. having a baby with him. I mean we are still talking SecondLife here, and many of you will shrug this one-off. But, I already have a kid in SL and I didn't had a 4 weeks pregnancy. I was in there for the long run, the full 9 month. And after that, I had a baby, and not just for a week, but a "real" one, which is now impersonated by a real human being playing a kids avatar. Tho - something like this actually means a lot to me!

He asked me anyways.. if we can have a baby together, and I agreed. Damn how blind and stupid I was... all dazzled up in love. He had me wrapped around his finger, pretty tight. But.. after he got me pregnant.. he came on more rare. I saw him once a week, often less. But he came on for the appointments with the doc.

While we were in this relationship I grew lonely more and more. And my heart broke.. piece by piece just missing him. And while this happens, my senses started sharpening. Most of you probably know this.. when you see connections.. you never saw before. Or when you just know something is off the rails... that's exactly what happened to me.

I realized how odd it was, that he NEVER wanted to use voice chat with me. I realized how odd it was, that we never fought, that he always had a perfect answer, and that his so-called emergencies were always things, I never could have been mad with him.

I mean seriously, boys and girls, .... how stupid can someone be not see something like this. But in that moment, you want to believe, because you love and want to love and want to be loved. You want that this perfect relationship you see, is not just an imagination. Even if it becomes more clear every day, that it was too good to be true.

Christmas last year... was the date when I saw him for the last time. he knew I was all alone, even iRL.. he promised spending time with me, but like always he broke his promise. In January ... on the day for the 5th month appointment, he broke up with me, by email. Said he met some chick iRL, and that she wont understand him "playing" Second Life, and .. now you can laugh .. that he enjoyed the time with me and that we can stay friends. He wants to talk to me now and then. (Right now, I am pretty sure, he put me on spam right after sending this mail.)

I never saw him again. You might ask yourself, why I start venting now?! Because he logged back in two weeks ago. But not to talk to me or something, he deleted me and all of my family from his friend list, left all the groups, and probably hopes I just forget about what happened. But no one of us did. That bastard broke my heart.. for real. I still have bad trust issues, because of him.

Now I can actually see you shaking your heads, how stupid I could be, and that it's just a game. Or that it was my fault being so blind, not seeing him for the player he was. And here, why am I venting now? Why do I need to blow off steam? I need it, because he has a new girlfriend already. And probably uses the same tour he used with me, and with his woman before me... I helped him, to get his avatar modern, with mesh.. and body parts made from mesh ... and he used me like a condom and threw me away.

Back in January... I decided to end my pregnancy, even if it was late to do it, but it hurt too much, and here I say, god bless it was "just" Second Life. But my heart still bleeds.. when I think about what I had to do ...

I'd like to tell all of you, be more carefull, but.. enjoy your love, if you found it. Because. better to have loved and lost, then never felt love at all.

---

All I can say now, thank you to my friends, who always had been there for me, no matter what shook me up. (Especially the two Sweethearts on the pic!) And to all of you, who have a friend, and she just met someone.. look after her. And If you know a Gabriella.. and she just met someone.. one or two weeks ago ... and if that someone was a black dude (not much of them in SL) ... just show her this post, so she knows .. what she is getting into it.

Because.. honestly, I wish you all the best, and that you are the one taming this panther.

Never we saw - The Blake Pearl

The king and his men
stole the queen from her bed
and bound her in her Bones.
The seas be ours
and by the powers
where we will, we'll roam.

Yo, ho, all hands
hoist the colors high.
Heave ho, thieves and beggars,
never shall we die.

Today started casual. Jasp and I met and decided for some chilling and a coffee. While he was still thinking if he shall take milk, sugar or both, I went online-shopping and got him a wet suit and matching shoes, because, I planned another adventure ...

You may start guessing, why the heck do we need a wet suit. Let me tell you, it's all about the kinks! And.. in this case, not getting a cold from the autumnal fresh water and wind, blowing from the south.

After fitting and getting dressed we were ready to roll, our plan, doing the latest Brook Hills Yacht Club Cruise (#04)!

In the spirit of the new boat, we decided to take out Jaspars Nacra, this way, we havent put on the harnesses in vain. But maybe with some vanity, it also starts with a "v". This boat is hella fast, and like with every other boat you need to learn how to sail it, to feel its groove, and get into it. We already hit 16 knots, when we met Kovu and Seb in their 12M, while they were secretly training for the Commodore's Cup in Sunday.

The cruise took us through the Columbia River, and honestly, I have never been through there that fast! It was amazing how great Jasp and I work together by sailing those boats. But that wasn't the adventure I wanted to tell you about. No, we actually saw The Blake Pearl, and live to tell the story! While we were passing the Pirates Cove, there had been an attack, and one ship, made us shiver in respect. A huge black ship, known as .. The Blake Pearl.

To all of you who has no idea what I am talking about, I will try to explain. Almost everybody knows the movies "Pirates of the Caribbean" and the famous ship The Black Pearl. In here, the sailors of Second Life, live and sail in a place named Blake Sea. Sure there are many other places, but it is the beating heart, of the sailing community.

Jasp and I bow  our heads, before The Blake Pearl and it's crew. Never shall you die! Yo Ho!

Tie Me Kangaroo down...

Watch me wallabies feed, mate

Watch me wallabies feed,

They're a dangerous breed, mate

So watch me wallabies feed

Altogether now!

Tie me kangaroo down, sport

Tie me kangaroo down

Tie me kangaroo down, sport

Tie me kangaroo down

You may ask yourself, what this song has to do with adventures or boats, but in this case, a lot! My good friend Jasp put his Nacra 17 into my hands, with the request for a crazy, out of the box paint job. And with my RL and other work, I had a lack of ideas, so he came on to me, and said, aboriginal artwork would be awesome.

There we got the problem... I am neither an Aborigine nor from australia, how shall I get this artwork done with my limited talents. Tho I started studying, Aboriginal artworks, the written language, pictures of animals, to get into a groove, into the right.. language to understand this special boats needs.

I ended up, painting the tramp all by hand, cuz of the lack of wombat paintings i could have used. But it was worth it, Jasp just loves it, and that's all that counts!

It must have been the ship's kobold!

 

The fog was thick and dense

One could not even see his hand before the eyes

The ship navigated through the sea without a sound

The navigator saw nothing anymore

The crew was full of fear

And they all drank too much rum

So that no disaster would happen today

They sang this old song:

Hey hey hobgoblin - our ship is your home

Huh huh and if you want to we'll all drown in the sea

Hey hey hobgoblin - another glass of rum on this

Huh huh take our word a sailor won't be knocked for six

A sailor won't be knocked for six

---

As you can see, this lyrics are originally in german, it is a really old song, but by the lag I had today, I guess it must have been the ship's kobold! My day was all about boats, what makes me now just snuggle on my couch with my notebook on the lap, writing out of the coziness of my house while the fireplace warms everything. But let me start at the beginning.

---

I started my day with a short tour to Vindar, to get the cruise details for this weekend. I decided to pick the Madpea, because .. damn.. she needed a run, and I could do some relaxed sailing.

When I arrived at Vindar, I met Kovu while he was just putting up the new cruise vendor. I grabbed the notecard and made my run back home, just enjoying the smooth waves and the nice fresh wind. Sometimes.. I could swear.. the sounds and the view .. I can smell the water and the sea breeze.

Back home I took the time to inspect the cruise details, and was slightly shocked. A cruise with almost just tacking.. nothing else, tough nut to crack. But what boat shall I take? Bandit IF fell through the cracks cause of the tacking. Almost every other boat was sailed recently by me. Tho it was a tie between Madpea and Loonetta.

My Loonetta won. She got the sweet name "True Love" and yes I know, totally Dawson's Creek! We sailed today with a big fleet, something that told us before we started, that it will be laggy as hell. But we all know, lag is nothing else as the ship's kobold!

Second Life was very kind, by messing some of the boats up. This way some were hella faster than others, and the fleet got separated. When I finally arrived the first rendezvous point, I moored my >True Love< and joined Jaspar on his >Thelxipea<, I decided, to be his ship's kobold!

But Jasp knows how to deal with little critters, tho he kept me fed on Banana Split and whipped cream, and the lag was almost gone. this way we arrived at Vindar safe and sound, where I took an old harbor boat and drove relaxed back home.

A huge thank you to Tad Loony for this loony cruise. It was.. something else, and for sure NOT boring!

Instead of a joke I will quote something.

Xsenia Silverfall: maybe i do madpea

Kovu Kumel: mad pee?

Xsenia Silverfall: yah i got mad pee suck it up lol

Kovu Kumel: if you use the mad pee you need to drink less ;P

Xsenia Silverfall: love you too Ko ^^

Chariots of Fire...

This planet is turning our tires are burning

Start up the engines I'm ready to go

You caused a commotion and got my devotion

We should be Bonnie and Clyde on the road

I feel fascination a kicking sensation

This is my turn and I'm striking for gold

Let's fly this truck through the sky

Worlds colliding, we keep on riding

O-oh, chariots of fire

Higher and higher, ascending above

O-oh chariots of fire

Share my desire, creation of love

O-oh, chariots of fire

Higher and higher, ascending above

O-oh chariots of fire

Share my desire, creation of love

---

Tho first of all i gotta kick that person to mars who is writing in my name, and being so dark and crushed down in spirit lately. But by a look in the mirror i saw, it was me. I don't want to be this person, feeling all bad and sad and roasting in self pity.

---

I am a Gemini tho its part of my personality to be able to flip a switch, and let my other half rule for a while. I did this today, because, I wasn't recognizing myself. I started crying by the slightest nice gesture of a friend, as if I am not deserving him liking me. So this ends now! ... At least for a while.

I am one of these humans who works best with music. Play sad music, and I will get sed. Play fun music, and my mood is brightening. This time it was my creativity that pulled the plug on my sadness again. I finally refurbished the Chariot - that's my Boss 225.

When I first rode the demo of this boat, I felt... like this one song I enjoy so much. The song I am sharing with you in this post as well. And like so many times before, this song, brightened my day, lifted my spirits and scared away all the bad thoughts and tears, which are lurking in the shadows of my personality.

With this new spirit, i asked my bestie Jasp for a cruise today, and we decided to do the latest Brook Hills Yacht Club Cruise (#03) today. A bit late, but hey.. the day has just so much hours, right?!

It's been a while that we sailed the Bandit IF, but its a favorite of us, tho we grabbed the Faith - that's my IF - and took on this cruise, even with the long starboard tack back home. We are always trying our best, tho no autopilot, but keeping all the lights neat green. No faking there.

The cruise was short and very nice, we had surprisingly rare problems with the sims or sim crossings, and this time there was no rain in Sailors Cove South, means, we stayed dry, at least untill a wave hit the boat, it heeled very much and.. you can imagine the rest.

We skipped a short part on the end, but went to my place, where my other good friend Claw was waiting for us. He was curious about the paint job on my Chariot as well, and offered me, to make a sweet little flag for it. How can i say no?!

After some chatter, I took Jasp and brought him home, using the Boss 225, and got another great look at his Thelxipea, his B55 that just left my berth for refurbishing.

Thank you for this lovely day Jasp, and thank you for every thing else as well. My adventure ended, with me driving home, and getting all warmed up again, at the fire pit on my beach at Hay Harbor. I will not forget this day, and how good it felt and feels.

Wind of Change ...

I follow the Moskva
Down to Gorky Park
Listening to the wind of change
An August summer night
Soldiers passing by
Listening to the wind of change
The world is closing in
Did you ever think
That we could be so close, like brothers
The future's in the air
I can feel it everywhere
Blowing with the wind of change

Today was a very weird day for me, and..  all I could think of, was this old song of the Scorpions. I got some news today, not quite good, but if they are bad.. I don't know.. the time will show. But they turned my small world upside down again, once more. I felt most of the day like a small boat, dealing with too much wind, fighting with heeling and almost flipping .. and loosing balance.

To brighten my day, and to finally move her Nikki - a Shields Class Sailboat - Hera came up with the plan to sail the last Rainbow Sails Cruise we both missed out on. It was a welcoming of the new-old Galaxy, finally connecting Sailors Cove South with the Honah Lee - Islands.

Like Hera I took my Shields Class, and we made a little race of it. That and some training, cuz Hera had to learn how to deal with the boat. She learned fast and I am pretty sure she had a blast. I have to admit I had troubles to keep her balanced, maybe my missing balance effected my sailing skills today...

In Sailors Cove South we came into the pouring rain, it was gorgeous, it was cold and.. it felt like a wind of change. Maybe it is the fall season catching up with me. I am a summer person, I love heat and sun.. all of it. Getting into this rain... felt like a good-bye.. to the summer, to my old life..

How can you describe cold panic to someone who doesn't know real panic? I am asking myself this for a while now. It's like.. a cold fire.. inside.. eating.. destroying.. and leaving just ashes... and while ashes is nothing.. that's all you got to carry on.. somehow.. to survive.. to reach your goal.. no matter how simple it might look to anyone else.

But that's all about that song again. Wind of Change ... for me it's not just about change, but about the fight.. you have to carry on. It's living... >>The hardest thing in this world, is to live in it!<< a kind of cheesy quote of the TV-show Buffy, the vampire hunter.

Tho, I will try to do exactly that.. no matter how hard it seems. And I will carry on doing things I like and love, like this gorgeous boat. I made those textures, I made them.. I still can't believe it. I am so proud ... you can see - I am like cold and hot.. fire and ice... calm and uneasy .. all at the same time. Torn and.. whole.

I hope this wasn't too disturbing dear reader. I will say Good Night, Good Day, Good Bye.

Autumn Calling

I am not a fashion blogger, I think there are enough out there doing a way better job then I ever could, but I like to be fashionable, and go with the seasons. Fall just arrived on our door steps, and with is, colorful trees, crispy yellow sunflowers and hey stacks.

But without being rude or mean, I get the feeling the designer haven't got the memo yet, that fall season is kicking in?! At the Collabor88, even with their great subject Secret Coven, is no fall fashion. I saw a lot of short skirts, tiny tops and pumps I would never wear when rain is pouring down, wetting the walkways untill it's all over muddy.

No matter where I look, I can't find fashionable, good-looking fall fashion, and the few parts I can find, arent for the SLink mesh body, but just for standard Bodies or the Maitreya Lara. Autumn is calling, maybe even the autumn for the SLink body? Are the designer refusing to make stuff for "us" because they know something we don't?

I am not much of a conspiracy theorist, but I feel a bit left out and well standing in the pouring rain with my summer clothes, and my last year fall fashion. Tho PLEASE, if anyone of you knows a hidden, secret designer, I should totally check out, tell me, I am starting to feel desperate!

 Sonnet 73 by William Shakespeare (1609)

That time of year thou mayst in me behold

When yellow leaves, or none, or few, do hang

Upon those boughs which shake against the cold,

Bare ruined choirs, where late the sweet birds sang.

In me thou see’st the twilight of such day

As after sunset fadeth in the west;

Which by and by black night doth take away,

Death’s second self, that seals up all in rest.

In me thou see’st the glowing of such fire,

That on the ashes of his youth doth lie,

As the deathbed whereon it must expire,

Consumed with that which it was nourished by.

This thou perceiv’st, which makes thy love more strong,

To love that well which thou must leave ere long.

Untill then, I will enjoy the red and yellow leaves falling, creating a wonderful carpet from all the colors, we just see like this just once a year. Still bright green grass, sprinkled with drops of sunflower to earthly brown.

When is enough really enough?

My posts are usually funny and happy, but this time, it's no adventure that moves me, but something I try to process for a little while now. So I ask you, when is enough really enough? When should be the moment that you say, I can't take it any longer? I can't do this any longer. No, you've done enough, or too less?! A close friend told me once:

>>Don't make someone your priority, if you are just their option!<<

How should courtship work these days? Am I too young with a too old soul? Was I supposed to .. just life 100 years ago? Is it normal, that one half of the male population, just sees your pussy, and the other half, doesn't even realise you have one? Have I to just swallow, that work always comes first, and I am supposed to feel like an unwanted but needed appointment at the dentist?

Lately I feel ripped apart in two directions. One half of me is all understanding, because work is important, and the other half feels always rejected, even hated for taking the time off of work, taking the focus off of work. My heart is torn, between reality and fiction. Fiction you can read in so many books, fiction you start to believe is the life of your married and loving friends.

Am I supposed to feel alone? To always stand on the outside and press my nose against the window, gazing at something I never will have? Sometimes, just like today, I just want to crawl into my bed, ball up and cry untill my tears run out ... but then.. why should I? If they  hurt me, do they deserve that I lose myself in tears?

Tho, when is enough really enough?

I for once think, when I start writing such blog posts. When I feel like crawling into bed, to ball up. When I am starting feel lonely as shit, while I am supposed to be happy with someone.

---

It may sound weird, but I don't understand these times. Men and woman seem to be further appart then ever before in the history of our lovely planet. It is, as if the emancipation totally went into the wrong way. We were supposed to be equalls but instead of reaching this goal, we demancipated the men - and now all the woman are wondering where their knight in shining armor is.

---

Now after writing all these lines, my head starts feeling lighter again, and the chain around my heart, that is leaving me freezing, seems to losen a bit. I .. will stick with hope, to leed me to my destiny.

Junkers F.13 mit Schwimmers

The Junkers F.13 with floats 

The Junkers was the first full-metal commercial aircraft. the pilots had still an open cockpit, but the passengers had a closed, warm cabin.

The F.13 came with floats and skies, tho it could be used on any surface, whta made it pretty universal in usage. The SL-Version comes with floats as well, chooseable by menu.

It will be released by tomorrow - YAY!

Quelle: Junkers F.13 mit Schwimmers

Second Date or...

    … how interesting a “free sex” sim can be!

Aeon, who isn’t really sure how i shall call him either tho.. we are sticking with “whatshammicalya” - took me out for our second date. It wasn’t really a date-date but we spent time together at a special place, this time it was the Amazon-River - sims.

It looks amazing, they do have quests and experience points -all you ask for. Animals… findings .. and interestingly very..very many sex toys.

We found surprisingly a lot of them tho… we came to the comclusion that these sims are really interesting and great made roleplay kind of free sex sims. Nothing wrong about that, but kind of weird for the second date.

Great for my female readers, lots of hot dudes are roaming there free, all of them half naked. I liked that view very much!

A boy needs a treehouse …

Damien my sweet son, lives with me again since June 2015. I love him madly, and he is the sun of my life, but also a real dragon pup .. i can totally blame myself therefor, because i am spoiling him rotten!

Tho, in the spirit of a boy needs a treehouse, my little Darling got now one. His aunti Hera, my neighbour and a very close friend of mine, gifted him one. And not just some treehouse, no its a Dustbunny Rare item, from the newest Arcade…

It startet pretty harmless, we were having breakfast and Damien still thought sumemr clothing would be fashionable. Jaspar came for a visit as well and we all had coffee, but Damien he got cocoa, and we all waffels!


While Damien was testing his new fall-fashion i put into his drawers, i sneaked out, to set up his treehouse, for his first overnight party!

It is adorable and has just enough room for two to three kids and their toys. I took the liberty to install a radiator, tho they wont freeze by night and rough sea winds.

The Emperor’s new Clothes ..

… or should I better say “The Shields new Sheets” ?

There has been a major update for the shields, and as often with updates, some textures got renewed. In my this case, the sails of the Shields Class 2.0. But i wouldnt love to do what I do, if I wont fix this issue for my friends immediatly.

As soon as we applied all the textures to Jasps Fiery Cross, he took me for a ride, testing her. A bummer that the textHUD went missing with the update, but there is a new cute little HUD helping you with the sheets.

My opinions stays: “The Shields Class Sailboat is a must have for every sailor, and just amazing!”

Summer Break is over!

After a long and hot summer, I cleaned up and fixed my B55, her name is Hope, and sailed her a short round, to get back into the groove. I love all my boats, but some arent really for the summer feeling - but summer is over, as sad as it is, and I look with a bright smile, and warm clothes forward into a wonderfull autumn and winter.

First Date ...

… or how I discovered that men can be creative!

You, my dear readers may realised it by now, but your humble blogger, that would be me, met someone. And tho we both send everyone around us gauntlet running when we first meet them, we both seem to have not just a sweet tooth for each other but a sweet core as well. All sweet and squishy and mellow.

After two very busy weeks for the both of us, we managed to take some time off, just for the two of us, to have our first date. And girls, hold your pants, he organised it completely! I was smiling like a cookie and tho he is totally into planes, he took me to his airfield, because we started flying. I always knew aman need to sweep me off my feet - this one took it literally!

We flew by some airfileds, and ended at Grand Manan where we had a sweet picknick, with some Chai Latte, coffee, cookies and milkshakes AND - some serious snuggles.

- Damn gotta love that beard! - He was obviously telling me a lot of naughty things!

After that adorable picknick, we took of with one of his choppers, a.. lets call itbumble bee, and flew to the just newly re-opened Galaxy. The two of us were VERY curious and excited to see it open again, and not just this, we actually saw the SL-moles working.

After some brunching, we called a watercab to the marina, where my Hope is moored. This way i was in control for once and brought him home, to the airfield, where it began.

Thank you Ae for this sweet and amazing first date, i am looking forward to many others in the near future.

Rainbow Cruise #153

During the last cruise of RSYC, Poseidon was angry seeing some Rainbow Sailors pissing against the wind without the gold ring attached to the ear. At the height of his anger, he sent us all crashing on the coast on unknown land far, far away from home.

It remains for us to rebuild our boats to go home and punish the guilty with the whip on the bare buttocks in front of all the sea dogs to appease the God of the Winds.

A Sal cruise in perspective …

This weekends cruise was a huge one. It took us all the way out to Mallow’s Bay. A long way from home, through narrow mainland channels and with tacking most of the time. On top of this, we had a very bitchy SL, kicking us off like a mean bronco on it’s worst day!

I decided very short to take my Nemo out. Nemo in this case not the model Nemo but my Nacra 17, which i called Nemo. By looking at the paintjob, you soon will figure out why.

Salome did a great cruise, and without the SL issues, it would have been goergeous, the places this cruise took us, were eyeopening and breath taking.

The first rendevous point basically noone reached on their own. most of us had to rerez their boats there, due to a crash one sim earlier…. Poseidon or Eole.. was still very upset with us…

The long way home was like a race, especially Kovu and i raced our Nacras on the limit, and faught for the lead. Here i had it for once.

Thank you to Salome for this challenging cruise, i will totally go for it again, when SL and the gods of the sea will be more on my side.

Now my latest tradition, a sailor joke, this time in form of a picture!

If you wanna see all of the pictures, they are in my Flickr-Album: